Silence and the Inner Voice

Please….when we hit the blues it is not always about them who hurt us. Most often it is no longer about the relationship either.  Very usually, it is the apparent inability to see and feel a semblance of the “normal life” we are craving to feel all over again.

 I can say I’m at most parts healed from the wounds of my failed marriage and the pains it brought me. In fact I have felt revived in spirit after a year of separation. I was slowly beginning to rebuild myself and my dreams. It felt good. I felt I was on track. But constant promptings from my inner circle has convinced me to uproot myself another time. In hopes that it will make more things easier and better, I pulled myself and left what I was beginning to build. Half a year after, I realized it has not made things easier for me. I felt I was better off with the imperfect life I was building on my own, where I had a job, I had an income to sustain me and my daughter.

I recently found myself hitting a terrible point of blue. I was very, very sad.

When it started to dawn to me that my choice to be uprooted has not been fruitful, I was filled by anxiety. At the first signs of it, I denied to be engulfed by it; hence, I opted to maintain as much positivity as I could. But it does not mean I will not be saddened. It does not mean I am not in fear. Having nothing happening with the plans I’ve set means my daughter’s future may turn bleak. That is scary. That is more than enough cause to worry.

There was too much noise going on my head. I wanted to silence it down. On another perspective, I was feeling exhausted from pitching for possibilities that has not materialized. I was again engulfed in the myriad of doubt, confusion, anger and sadness. These emotions I cannot express much, as I buffer my daughter from witnessing them.

It was even more painful to hear judgments that the emotional upturns and downturns are because I refuse to move on. It was painful to be told you are not doing anything. It was painful to be deprived of the emotion you are feeling.

I wasn’t seeking understanding. I just wanted space and silence. But I couldn’t nail that those were what I sought. I just had to abrasively shut down from people. I turned inactive from social media, calls and even text messages. I selected people to reach out to and talk to. It is very often true that there will be moments when it is best to opt silence; because no words can explain the scuffle between your reason and your inner voice.

Within the closed walls I created, I heard my voice louder and clearer. I was able to re-evaluate things. I was forced to confront myself. And very often, that is what we miss out on…to listen to ourselves; to listen to our voice.