Facing Up My Biggest Pain

I guess of all the pains I’ve had in my relationship with the man I married, it was the feeling of emotional isolation, abandonment and detachment which has hurt me most. It was my biggest pain. He has been very demonstrative of his affection when we began our relationship. He was at times even almost clingy…or yes; he was actually clingy. Somehow, when I got pregnant, he began to distance himself from me. I can only assume of his reasons; but that will not be fair to him. The fact is that our relationship drifted and I felt very lonely while still having him in my arms.

Fast forward and years passed. After having left the relationship and making efforts to re-build my world, I felt all those didn’t matter anymore. I felt those were just facts that led to our present situation. I never tried to emotionally deal with it while all was happening and overwhelming me. Soon, it was just a part of the past. It’s something that has been done and can never be recovered. I felt I was okay with it all. Besides, I had no intentions of getting in a new relationship either.

Many friends prodded me to open my doors for possible relationships. All my friends had their own pitch for having one; ranging from I am still young, I deserved love, I am lovable, I have needs, one wrong guy does not mean all guys are…and so on. I would tell them I just didn’t feel I can manage the distraction. Or the classic reply of not being ready.

Somehow, fate drove a man in my life. A man I have known from my youth. We were never in any relationship before, but he did court me. He wooed me for almost five years or so. Our lives drifted. We have had our turns and suddenly we’re back to communicating with each other.   So, maybe that makes it kind of an old flame.

Still, at a more recent moment, he told me he wanted to give “us” a try and see what now can bring to both of us. He got me to agree. Unfortunately, with our circumstances and with the shadows of the old pain peaking in and sneaking in, we never sealed in to consume what we began. Although for a while, we owned this "relationship". In truth, it never really was. But it gave a brief impression of it. And through the brief impression of what we thought we wanted, I ended up on a street that forced me to face up the ghost of my biggest pain.

Suddenly, I was back to that same scene of feeling alone while being in a relationship.

This very brief relationship resembles more of an arrangement. It was open, non-exclusive and non-committal. On that brief moment, I knew what I was getting myself into. And readily took it in thinking it suits my current situation. I thought it was most fair for both of us. Eventually we both agreed to stay as we’ve always been and take things easy. I slacked. There were times we seemed to still want it but things were not so clear. During those brief moments of vagueness, I felt pain nonetheless. And it felt like an old wound being rubbed once again. It forced me into confrontation with my pain.

Looking into myself and speaking only to her, I saw the reflection of my relationship with the man I once married. I began to understand why the feeling of emotional isolation, abandonment and detachment which has hurt me most. To begin with, it hurt because I honestly loved and gave my world to this man. Giving him my world made me need him so much. He totally had me emotionally.

When the relationship began to drift, the neediness grew deeper creating a sinkhole. I craved for validation and could not get any. I wanted him to validate our relationship. I wanted him to validate his love and feelings for me. And worst, I wanted and sought validation of myself from him. I was in much pain because I have lost myself to him and to our relationship.

Reaching this point of awareness, I somehow gave myself my own psycho-analysis. I came up to own the pain. I cannot point my finger to blame the relationships or the men. I have seen how I have allowed it to happen. But I do not blame myself; simply, I take responsibility for it.

Facing up my biggest pain told me that our relationships are not validation tools for who we are or for our self-worth. Essentially I learned that I didn’t need any validation for that relationship. I knew there was something wrong going on. I didn’t need validation for his love or feelings either. I knew it has evolved and has changed. Most importantly, I didn’t need validation of myself from him because I alone can do that for myself.

Now, I know better.