I Can Not "D.I.Y". Myself: Admitting Depression and Mania
I haven't had any posts for a while now. I have just had the noisiest months. I needed to silent it down.
In the midst of realigning myself and moving towards self-love, I committed to listening to my inner voice. I thought I was doing it all good and all right. I did not realize that in my attempt to zone-in, I had abruptly and sharply cut off people who care too.
In my chaos, I have perceived many attempts to reach out to me as attacks towards me. I was in a haze of anger, frustration, doubt, loneliness and confusion. I knew for many times that I was under depression. I have attempted to cry-out. Most friends dismissed my call for help because they thought I will manage to pull things together. They thought I could snap out of it. Eventually, I got tired. I disregarded the sadness and told myself to feel less and think more. I was a living zombie, an automaton moving through the grinds of life blindly and apathetically.
I ignored the depression. Rationalized on it once in a while. But, the restlessness grew in my mind. I pushed myself to thinking and doing many things all at once. Then a few months ago, I plunged into a decision to retrieve my life WITHOUT much thought. I just knew I had to and so I did.
All these things go against my very nature, though. I failed to consider that I have an obsession with "control and order". Without a clear plan of all my intentions. suddenly everything became overwhelming. I found myself breaking down completely. My psyche felt liberated by the fact that I was suddenly all by myself; and my greatest responsibility, my child, was entrusted into the temporary custody of my parents. I had no need to hide the weakness and vulnerability. I don't need to worry that my child will see my pain. I felt like I had a license to finally fall.
But a tug-o-war between the desire to be weak and vulnerable, and to be in control was nerve wrecking. It was like drowning in a whirlpool. It was scary and exhausting. It felt like losing air so often. It was numbing but at the same time filled will all different emotions.
I tried to fool myself with temporary escapes of placebo release for my tensions. But I knew well I was faking. I snapped myself and sought professional help.
I have been in the helping profession, doing coaching, counseling, life-skills teaching...but I can not "D.I.Y" myself. There is NO WAY I can always take control. After the recent turbulent years, I have even forgotten how to take control of myself. I have to admit I need help. And if most people will not see what I am deeply into, a professional will.
That would have been amongst the best decisions I have made for myself lately. I am tired of masking the depression with mania and euphoria. I decided to admit I need to depend on others too.
In the midst of realigning myself and moving towards self-love, I committed to listening to my inner voice. I thought I was doing it all good and all right. I did not realize that in my attempt to zone-in, I had abruptly and sharply cut off people who care too.
In my chaos, I have perceived many attempts to reach out to me as attacks towards me. I was in a haze of anger, frustration, doubt, loneliness and confusion. I knew for many times that I was under depression. I have attempted to cry-out. Most friends dismissed my call for help because they thought I will manage to pull things together. They thought I could snap out of it. Eventually, I got tired. I disregarded the sadness and told myself to feel less and think more. I was a living zombie, an automaton moving through the grinds of life blindly and apathetically.
I ignored the depression. Rationalized on it once in a while. But, the restlessness grew in my mind. I pushed myself to thinking and doing many things all at once. Then a few months ago, I plunged into a decision to retrieve my life WITHOUT much thought. I just knew I had to and so I did.
All these things go against my very nature, though. I failed to consider that I have an obsession with "control and order". Without a clear plan of all my intentions. suddenly everything became overwhelming. I found myself breaking down completely. My psyche felt liberated by the fact that I was suddenly all by myself; and my greatest responsibility, my child, was entrusted into the temporary custody of my parents. I had no need to hide the weakness and vulnerability. I don't need to worry that my child will see my pain. I felt like I had a license to finally fall.
But a tug-o-war between the desire to be weak and vulnerable, and to be in control was nerve wrecking. It was like drowning in a whirlpool. It was scary and exhausting. It felt like losing air so often. It was numbing but at the same time filled will all different emotions.
I tried to fool myself with temporary escapes of placebo release for my tensions. But I knew well I was faking. I snapped myself and sought professional help.
I have been in the helping profession, doing coaching, counseling, life-skills teaching...but I can not "D.I.Y" myself. There is NO WAY I can always take control. After the recent turbulent years, I have even forgotten how to take control of myself. I have to admit I need help. And if most people will not see what I am deeply into, a professional will.
That would have been amongst the best decisions I have made for myself lately. I am tired of masking the depression with mania and euphoria. I decided to admit I need to depend on others too.
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